


a bad day in a sea of many

by ladyveracruz



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: A little angst, Anxiety Attacks, Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, M/M, Unbeta'd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:29:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29860899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyveracruz/pseuds/ladyveracruz
Summary: ziyi was trying to stop the darkness from overcoming his feelings.
Relationships: Cai Xukun & Wang Ziyi, Cai Xukun/Wang Ziyi
Kudos: 3





	a bad day in a sea of many

**Author's Note:**

> mey is back with another contribution for zikun/yikun tag! i still suck at describing feelings but hopefully you guys still can enjoy this fic <3

ziyi pushed open the door to the rooftop with enough force but didn’t let it slam on the walls behind it, he stepped into the cold night air which caused him to shudder lightly, he pulled his jacket close to his body. the door thudded to a close as he walked towards the old beaten-up sofa across the door, the eaves above it were wide enough so at least he wouldn’t get wet if it suddenly rained later. 

the black cloud hanging over his head left him feeling more cynical, ziyi closed his eyes, the sound of the busy street fading in the background, he let out a long sigh. today had been so eventful, he just finished teaching the kids along with xukun and zhengting a while ago. and after that, they still needed to prepare some new materials for their classes next week. he always enjoyed doing this, his part-time job as a dance coach for this small music and dance studio. being surrounded by cheerful kids made him happy. after having a stressful day at college, it sort of became his escapism. today was no exception, he was happy, but it would also be a lie if he said he didn’t feel a little bit down than usual. 

he was okay until the feeling of existential dread hit him like a ton of bricks.

it happened when he was packing up with xukun and zhengting after all of their works done, both of his friends were chatting excitedly about their plans after they graduate from college, and it seemed like they already had everything planned out. _unlike ziyi_. 

sure, he took a business major because his parents wanted him to take over his father’s business someday, but he didn’t want it. not when it meant he should say goodbye to dancing, his only source of happiness, the only thing that keeping him sane. his parents were always against him dancing, _always_. said that it was outrageous and it was a bad influence on him. so when finally his parents allowed ziyi to move out from home as long as he agreed to take a business major, he said yes without any hesitation. he chose NYU right away when he got the letter of acceptance, he wanted to be as far as possible from China. he wanted to be free.

but now he felt so awful again, seeing the fact that he was the only one who still didn’t know what to do next in his life. three years passed and it still didn’t change anything, his parents still against him when it came to dancing. but they were unaware of whatever he was doing here right now, and he planned to keep it that way. but he still needed to map out his future, _his own future_ , not the one his parents wanted him to do.

“it’s okay ziyi, you’ll figure it out one day.” zhengting said. and oh, ziyi wished it would be that easy.

he loved his friends, that’s for sure, but that kind of conversation was a sensitive topic for him. he wanted to get out, _he needed to get out_. so he packed up his belonging quickly and excused himself first, said that he needed to grab something from the locker, and told the other two to just go back first without him. xukun threw him a questioning look but nodded nevertheless. and he saw zhengting waved his hand as he walked away.

but ziyi didn’t go to the locker room, of course, he didn’t. he climbed up the stairs led him to the rooftop instead. _his secret place_. 

it’s funny actually. a 23 years old college student was having his own hideout in the building he worked at. but he enjoyed his time in there, the only place where he could let himself being sad, wallowing in self-pity.

and now, here he was. 

ziyi sat in silence for a few moments, before the dreadful feeling came rushing back and his throat was squeezed shut, his brain turned deafening. 

_what is the purpose of your life, ziyi? what exactly do you want to do with it?_

ziyi wanted to scream.

he felt so useless. 

he felt like a failure. 

or maybe he already was.

he screwed his eyes shut, his breath sharpened and got caught ih his throat. he clutched his hands into fists, the phone in his hand the only sort of leverage ziyi could find while he was drowning in his own head, _again_. he felt the tears threatened to fall out from his eyes. 

breath, ziyi. in, out. 

ziyi blinked a few times when he felt his racing heart was finally slowing down. his breathing was back to normal. he let out a shuddered breath as he moved his gaze to glance at the black tinted sky. he felt like there was a gaping hole in his stomach where anxiety ate him away while the loneliness creeping back into his life with each passing moment.

when this kind of feeling came to him he often wondered, how did it feel to have someone he could share your burden with. someone who could understand him best when he was at his lowest. that must be really nice. ziyi thought.

it didn’t mean ziyi didn’t have any friends, in fact, he had a lot. but he never shared any of his struggle and burden with them because it would only make him guilty. he hated that feeling, being so helpless. he almost never showed his real emotions in front of his friends, he didn't want to make them worry. he was _the_ level-headed ziyi, he preferred to be a listener. he loved being a person people came to for advice or to vent. so, he always tried to look strong in front of everyone. he just couldn’t let them down.

he wanted to be everyone’s umbrella, not the rain. 

and if he couldn’t have his own safe haven, then it's okay, he would be one for his friends.

he smiled at himself, he could do that for them, he knew he was strong enough. 

but his brain was a traitorous beast, which caused a sudden doubt to fill his mind, _are you sure about that? are you sure you can be their safe haven when you can barely function normally when you got an anxiety attack?”_

ziyi groaned, he bit his inner cheek until he felt the metallic taste filled his sense. _stop, stop it_. he grabbed his head, trying to focus on his breathing, trying to not get caught in a maelstrom of his contradicting feelings and thoughts again. 

but before he could pick apart the tangled feelings of his mixed emotions he heard a soft click and saw the door in front of him swung open, he almost bolted out from where he was sitting. he just stared at the open door with wide eyes, too dumbfounded to even move, like a deer caught in the headlights. it was too dark and the only source of light was from a lamp over his head. ziyi could only make out the outline of whoever the person was, but not until the said person finally talked, and ziyi felt his heart dropped.

“woah, i never thought the rooftop would be this vast.” said xukun with his usual bright and cheerful voice.

"h-how could you know i am here?" ziyi stuttered, _pathetic_.

"you always go here when you're upset or sad, ziyi. i always noticed you know."

he noticed.

he always was.

ziyi felt his cheeks getting warm, he let out a chuckle, which he hoped didn’t sound like he choked on his own breath, as xukun walked towards him, plopping down on the worn-out sofa next to him. it wasn’t a big sofa, to begin with, so ziyi could feel their shoulders brushed each other, and warmth radiated from xukun's body as he tried to find a more comfortable position. 

"god, i always curious about what were you doing in here but i never dared to ask. and now i see the reason why, you didn’t want to share this beautiful view huh?”, a teasing smile bloomed on xukun's face. his silver strands fell across his eyes as he speak, and ziyi resisted the urge to sweep them back. _you are more beautiful than the view._ ziyi's eyes widened as the thought crossed his mind. what was he thinking, he just got an anxiety attack not even ten minutes ago for goodness sake, it wasn’t the time for his silly crush to act up. he then turned his head to face the city lights scattered in front of them, marveling in the view. he hoped the lamp was dimly enough to hide his blushing face. 

"well, now you know. this became _our_ secret place from now on." ziyi could hear xukun's soft laugh, it's infectious. ziyi couldn't help but grin. that’s the thing that made him fall for xukun, he always managed to make ziyi comfortable around him. he radiated so much positive energy, it made him felt safe. 

“you know you can talk to me anytime, ziyi. we’ve been friends for two years.” ziyi glanced at xukun when he felt the younger’s eyes were on him. he looked genuine, ziyi could see a look of understanding flashed on his eyes like he could comprehend all the repressed feelings ziyi couldn’t even begin to unpack.

ziyi couldn’t control the swell of affection in his sternum, he murmured in return with an inkling of a smile, “i know.”

“good.” xukun’s replied, his eyes shone under the moonlight.

maybe, _maybe_ , xukun could be his anchor who would hold him in place and prevent him from floating away too far, from getting swallowed by an endless vortex of darkness which was his own pathetic self.

he wished for someone who understood him, didn’t he? was this his answer?

**Author's Note:**

> if you have any question you can ask me on my [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/zikunverse) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/ISEEZIKUN)!
> 
> i won't bite don't worry~
> 
> thank you so much for reading! kudos and comments are always appreciated!


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